to have a sense of Self

sense of self – a sense of personal identity.  the importance of such idea is so great i find it hard to define.  a sense of self is the cure for what ails many, many people.  those that are perhaps unhappy in their workplace, unhappy with their significant other, unhappy with life and the world around them.  now, this is by no means an end all be all fix to life.  even if it was, to obtain a sense of self isn’t like going to the corner store and picking up a box of it.  i know people who are well into their 30’s and 40’s who have no idea of who they are.

for instance, lets say you go up to a friend and say to him ‘I want to know who you are.  What can you tell me?’  what is that friend likely to say?  I would like to bet that 9 times out of 10 the person will start off with their Profession, then perhaps family tree (should they be of importance).  not that this is Wrong, persay, but think of the implications.  if you are what you do, if you are who your family was then you, yourself, have no identity of your own.  one would constantly be identifying with the idea of a sense of self.   constantly struggling with the identities of those who came before, wondering if ones will be able to live up to something, to fill the shoes of his/her predecessors.  much in the same way people tend to blame ‘bad luck’ for their own shortcomings.  there very well may be such a thing as bad and good luck, yet i doubt it seeks us out and sticks with us for a lifetime.  we are all responsbile for our actions and the consequences, or lack there of, that come as a result.

have you ever heard someone say that that are just ‘working this job until i can retire and do something i’m passionate about’.  how true that is for the most of the world.  but why?  that thing that one is passionate about, that is more than not the sense of self people have been searching for.  once you find out what you are passionate about in life, what moves you or rather what makes you tick, its then that you can be truely yourself.  have your thoughts of who and what you are.

i am passionate about learning.  as much as i can possibly fit into this abnormally large head that i have.  (i’ve often related myself to a bobble head doll… head just going about on the dashboard with the little small body) haha.  for years i struggled with who i was.  why i was.  for many a days i had no reason to get out of bed. i had no reason to better myself – i struggled.  i turned to alcohol.  what a spiral that turned out to be.  now, if nothing else, i know each day i will learn something new.  i know each day who i am and who i am meant to be.  and that is the most fullfilling thing there is to be had in this endless galaxy we float in.

 

some poetry

i seem to remember my past.  bit by bit as the days continue to wear on.  these poems help me to remember.  remember a time.  a place.  a person.  an emotion.  they allow me a glimpse into my former self.  those below i have written and continually adjusted to my liking.  some move me while others stand completely still.  amazing how words can dance, isn’t it?

Meaningless
Amongst the fear

There is hope
Amongst the hope

There is despair
Amongst the despair

There is solitude
Amongst the solitude

There is sadness
Amongst the sadness

Lies a truth
Amongst the truth

All lies ahead.

Amongst the forgotten

There are mistakes
Amongst the lessons

There are lessons
Amongst the mistakes

Inspiration lies
And amongst all else

There I stand.

Rainwater

Rain falls
Once again it seems
It’s been sometime
Since this I’ve felt
Since this….. I’ve seen
Can’t thus explain
…Wish i could
Just help please
To explain the rain……Drops

Drip
Followed by
Drop
Each pricking more than the last…

Drowning

Beautiful sight
It truly is
I’m drowning
In a sea of
Troubles. No fancy
Words. No bright
Lights. Just
Me Myself & I
Attempting the
Endless struggle
Different from
None. Just
Truly unique

i find it very interesting the tone of these poems.  i have their creation datng back to 2004, yet i know that they may be as old at 2001.  i am taken back a bit by my thoughts, not currently, but past thoughts which have been so displayed above.  i was in pain i can see that.  yet, i still cannot pin point the exact pain.  i remember lost love.  the first one.  how painful that was i do remember.  i remember lifes confusion.  i remember failure and i remember deciding not to try for it was the first step to failure.  oh how my views have change since then.

until tomorrow.

 

questioning and do you?

why?

yes, i understand that, but why is it so?

right, and i agree, yet i would like to know why it is happening, not simply that it is.

i certainly can be annoying.  always and forever asking why.  wanting to know more and wanting to get to the core of the issue as opposed to just skirting around it and knowing enough to get by;  which is funny because as i recall my young years of academia all i did was enough to get by, never tried in school, never read a book, or studied for a test.  and, yet somehow, i was OK with it.  i read somewhere ’specialization is for insects’, how right he is.

to question is to understand.  unless one understands the world around them without question, which is rarely the case.  questioning oneself is the first step in personal responsibility.   this is something i find not enough people are committed to.  i find people, generally speaking, are ok with just floating through life.  simply waking and rising, toiling and working.   only to discover that the monotony of life is all too monotonous.  working for the weekend, as it were.  why??  why must i work for the weekend?  what is it that the weekend desires from me?  to harbor my good times and feelings?  (did you know that it rains more on wekend days than it does on weekdays? work for what you must.  get out and enjoy the day)  question yourself.   why do you get up each morning?  simply to work?  simply to meet your financial obligations?  do you enjoy your job?  no? why not?  and if you don’t why the hell are you working there?

yes, it is true we must all work.  unless you have a nice cushy trust or a suga mama/papa.  however, what people fail to realize is that their happiness is solely up to them.  and it all begins with questioning.  question yourself.  if you’ve been at the same job for 30 years, question whether its still all worth it.  if you’ve lived in one place your entire life, question if the world is something you wish to see.

if you never question yourself how are you ever to know who you are and what you want?  also, continual questioning leads to less forgetting of what is important to you in your life. at one point in time in my life i thought i had it all.  an expensive luxury car, a fast and sleek sports car, my own home, a well paying job and vacationed on a whim. (also ladies were easier to come by)  now, while i sincerely miss the extravagant vacationing, i miss nothing else.  once i lost my job, that high paying and even higher stressed job, i lost the car.  i lost the house.  i kept my dog.  (i was able to keep the sports car, but only because it was paid off.  now it sits lonely in a garage miles from me)  that point and time in my life was the most trying ever  (so far).  i remember being so depressed, so pissed off at the world and at life that i would lay in bed.  i remember thinking ‘ i’ve no reason to get out of bed, so why bother?’.  i would lay there and let the morning pass into the afternoon and finally i would move.  showering, may be.  thinking, rarely.  i became void of all thoughts.  of a reason to live.  of life and of love.  still, today as i type i get chills all up and down my body.  it hurts to remember.  it hurts that i could be so unlike me and be fine with it.

along with the help of my family, and perhaps a single friend, i overcame.  i questioned it all.  and still do until this day.  i wake each morning and live for the day.  each day that i allow to pass by is one which i shall never get a second chance at.  every morning i wake up and ask myself if i am living the life i want to live; in general terms, of course i cant change something such as credit card bills or car payments.  i ask if i am who i want to be.  am i showing the world the person that i know i am?

we all have but one life to live yet we go through our lives putting things off until the next day and the next day and the next.  until the days have passed.  they grow shorter.  the nights longer.  why?  why aren’t you out there living the life you want?