fear: why, how and stop it

fear:  to be afraid or feel anxious or apprehensive about a possible or probable situation or event (source)

fear is one of those interesting little ideas that can walk through the door, not knowing anyone, meet, greet and completely consume you in a matter of minutes; if you allow it to.  fear can start as something teeny, tiny only to manifest itself into every aspect of your day to day life.  its, actually, rather impressive.

how do fears come about?  well, speaking from an evolutionary standpoint we can say that fears are simply there to aid in self preservation.  the same way that children are afraid to walk in the basement at night, or perhaps the way that an adult may not wish to enter into a dark, creepy cemetary at night.  what’s stopping either of these situations from occurring – fear.  a fear of the dark, of ghot’s, or someone waiting in vain to scare the hell out of us.  either way it’s fear.

yet, as we have evolved as have our fears.  some fears are necessary, such as fear of snakes (depending on your geographical location)  can be very helpful in keeping oneself alive.  however, there are other fears much, much worse.  simpler fears, fearing that failure is ones only option is a fear that can consume you and your life.  fearing that attempting to suceed will only lead to failure, fearing that as the house burns down around you, your movements halt, you’re afraid of the fire.  not exactly life saving fears if you ask me.

so where do they, these fears, come from?  well, i think for the most part these types of fears stem from childhood, like so much else out there it all started when you were too young to know any better.  perhaps there was an incident so terrible, horrific and mind numbing that once experienced your brain locked away those all emotions and memories and the side effect is fear, however irrational it may be.  (also of note, painful memories are said to be stored in the muscle tissue.  so, if you find out there are memories you should have and don’t, i recommend going for a massage and holding the memory in your head.  don’t try to hard to remember, you will push it away.  just hold the thought there and be sure you are prepared (emotionally) for whatever you may remember.  many people have issues remembering simply because they think they are ready when in reality that couldn’t be farther from the truth.)

if the fear began in childhood how are we ever to face it and overcome our fear as adults?  well, easily said, not such done.  thankfully, as adults we have the ability to control our own actions.  i suppose the first step is to admit to yourself the fear.  usually the easiest part.  then its time to try to remember why this fear even exists.  if you cant think of anthing ask those around you.  ask your parents, aunt’s, uncle’s, brother’s, sister’s, cousin’s – just start asking!  (provided your not ashamed of your fear; o and never be shamed of fear by the way.  ive said those without fear simply haven’t experienced enough)  you may find out that when you were 9 years old you were attacked by a small group of dogs while walking down the street to your grandmothers house.  you may find that your childhood is nothing like you would have imagined/remembered it to be.

in many cases simply knowing what the event was the brought on the fear is enough to displace the fear itself.  other cases can be more difficult especially if there was some sort of serious violation of your liberties.  in these types of cases i recommend constant and through introspection.  ask yourself Why and don’t stop until you are satisfied with your answer.  this is not usually a quick process.

once you have conquered your fear, then what?  well then we begin to live, begin to love and being to grow. your future can never beging if you’re still harboring the past.  live.

 

once a cheater always a cheater? perhaps, but may be not…

this is a rather interesting topic. it touches on a few different areas, which are all as equally interesting as the one preceding it. so lets dive right on in, shall we.

a cheater. what defines a cheater? just so we are all on the same page, im talking about people who can not remain faithful to their significant other. i would say that is a pretty general definition of a cheater.

now, the next question begging to be answered, is what causes men/women to cheat? first, lets talk about men, simply because i am one and it is a bit easier for me to get into the male psyche. first we have to understand what the man wants. this is normally very difficult because the majority of men have no friggen idea what they want in general let alone in a relationship. so, in stating that, we can vaguely say that a male is……like a dog with his little pink thing hanging out, running from woman to woman. partly we can not blame the men for doing this, it is instinctual, as men we are programmed to want to spread our seed as much as we possibly can to ensure that we do not die out. well, that answer may have been just well and fine a few hundred years ago, but in todays day and age, with the population soaring out of control and with the amount of STD’s, its simply no longer an excuse.

just because it should no longer be an excuse certainly doesn’t mean that men don’t still use it. ive heard one story of this gentleman who stated that he ‘just loves women, all types of women’; this was his justification for having sex with woman, many of them, and not having a relationship with them. and while loving the female body and personality is one thing, a fantastic thing even, it is certainly another to disrespect these woman by using them for sexual pleasures only to move to another the day after. when a man has no respect for a woman, most specifically a woman whom he knows little of, this is a man who respects nothing and certainly a man who does not respect himself. it is unfortunate that society has began to teach young children that it is OK to objectify women and even more disheartening than that is the fact that most woman are OK with this. this is very easily proven by simply taking a walk to your local Mall or perhaps your local College Campus. the way in which the majority of females dress themselves is so that they may be objectified, so that they can be noticed, to stick out and draw attention. now, while i am not saying that people should not dress to impress, they should definitely dress to leave some to the imagination. side note: i’ve not even had my first high school reunion and ill say this, the girls didnt look like THAT when i was in high school; and thank god too!

joseph, you may ask, what is it that allows some men to be faithful and others to wander so? well, that is a pretty damn good question. i think it would boil down to the simplest of things, one which i actually mentioned up above. that would be the instinctive drive i was referring to, as i stated we all (males) have this drive; now those of us who value a relationship more over a simple lay in the hay, those are going to be the ones who will remain faithful. another big thing is that a lot of males do not face consequences for their actions. they do what they want, perhaps get yelled at a bit, but the women, albeit foolishly, takes that man back. please, ladies, for the sake of the rest of your gender, make these cheating men pay consequences, if there are never consequences to any action they have no reason to ever change their actions. plain and simple, treat them like 2 year old, or better yet, like that dog with his little pink thing hanging out! haha.

what can you do to make sure you man doesn’t cheat? this is perhaps the easiest thing to say, yet perhaps the most difficult to follow through with. trust him. take all the faith you may have in your friends, family, dog, aunt, uncle, brother, sister, second cousin, take all that faith and trust and put it in your boyfriend. have faith in him that he would never hurt you and trust him when he says he wont. this will do 2 things effectively. the first, and perhaps most obvious, is to make it known that you trust him, there by eliminating any confusion as to the status of your relationship. and secondly, you put the ‘ball’ , so to speak, in his court (provided you are as trustworthy as him) and you allow him to make his own decisions instead of being swayed in one direction or the other as to what he thinks he could get away with. basically, what you are trying to do when you convey your feelings of trust is you are trying to get that little voice inside his head to perk up and say ‘whoa whoa whoa, trust? what’s this trust all about?’ there by, each time he has a thought of you he will associate that thought with trust. if he should break the trust then you know, immediately, that he is not worthy of your trust. the consequences may be as severe as completely cutting off all ties to a slap on the wrist (i suppose it is dependent upon the situation) but please, whatever you do, do not take him back with no consequences. lets say you have a puppy, 12-15weeks old and your in the potty training stage. if that pup happens to P on the carpet what do you do? most likely you give him a slap on the bum or you pick him up and rush him outside and make him sit there. either way, there is a consequence. you would never expect the puppy to learn to P outdoors if you didn’t correct him and likewise with your significant other. now im not saying you slap him on the bum when he does something wrong, but i think you get my drift: Every action has consequences. The consequences are either Good or Bad. But rest assured, there are always consequences.

i think that will do it for the male aspect of things, for now at least. ill have the female perspective up here in a few days, weeks, or months. depends on how much research i can get done! hope you enjoy the article and the site!

 

best friend and lover

you’ve heard it before, im sure. most likely in movies or plays or some sort of chick flick you watched with your last/current chick. but what does it mean? what does it mean to have your significant other to be both your Best Friend and your Lover? is it even possible? is this a phenomenon experienced by males and females alike? well, lets take a look at what i think…

i guess we should start at the bottom: what is a Best Friend and what is a Lover?

i think that latter is pretty easily explained, a lover is someone whom you love (love has been defined in other posts) . the definition of a best friend can be a little more difficult to pin point, as im sure we all have different definitions. i will try me best to be general: i believe a best friend is someone who always listens to your ideas, no matter how crazy or off the wall, i believe a best friend is someone who puts you in your place when you need to be (i.e. – someone who can bring you to ground level and pull you out of the clouds) i believe a best friend is someone who you can tell anything to because that person knows that you would never do them any harm, because that person trusts you, 100%; to an extent, with their life.

now, who wouldn’t want to be with someone who could be your best friend and lover? imagine spending the day of your life with your best friend and then the night of your life with you spouse, then imagine they are both the same person. image the hope that one would feel. the feeling of extreme happiness and completeness in that you’ve found a person with whom you love being with, 24/7. that is to have a best friend and a lover. that is, i believe, the best kind of relationship; why would you have it any other way if you have a choice? and if life has taught me anything, it is that there is always a choice.

now, i do not think it fair for me to say whether this phenom can go both ways, even though i think it can, i don’t think it correct to say that it is limited to one gender or the other. what i believe instead is that it depends on the personality of the individual, the happiness of the individual. i say this because, i believe that if one is happy with themselves and with the world that surrounds them (to an extend, of course we can not be happy with the famine, death, rape and murders happening daily, but to an extent) if they can be happy with all of that it allows the relationship much more freedom. more space to find out where the relationship can go if left alone with no restraints. and if everyone is given the choice as to what they want a relatinship to be with their significant other, why would they not choose to have be with 1 person who is their best friend and lover?

in closing, i will say that it is a great thing to have your significant other as both your best friend and your lover. the only problem is when it ends, you’ve lost twice as much. yet in love, as in life, nothing ventured nothing gained. take a risk and may be you will find love that you never knew existed.